The Respect I So Richly Deserve –The Worst Submission Letter Ever Written
I am a huge fan of your splendid rag. The genius contained within the pages could only be handpicked by the noblest of literary minds. I have my colleagues buy their own copy if I see them touching mine. I don’t mind using force or blackmail. I believe I am responsible for a majority of your readership in this region. I am a shareholder of sorts. It is with a nod to our mutual brilliance I make this submission.
I have enclosed three poems, one is a blessing, another, a curse, and the third will conjure a demon in the shape of a wild boar that will devour your soul. Please read them aloud at a staff meeting. I would be very interested to hear about the aftermath.
I have not been previously published due to the fact that most so-called “literary” venues pander to only the lowest common denominator. My mastery over the form provokes such jealousy that editors have been known to break into my house and rearrange my underwear drawer.
As an artist, I am primed to explode. When I do, you will want some piece of my smoldering carcass attached to your name. If you pass up this opportunity you will be shunned and ridiculed in even the most bourgeois circles. People will spit on you and decry your lack of insight. It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if your local Denny’s refused your patronage. If you do not publish my work, I foresee only ruin in your future, eating from dumpsters and drinking Mad Dog from a paper bag.
I am the Coyote.
I aspire to be humanities’ Gravedigger
When you see me make a sign.